My very first christmas

The many times that I have celebrated Christmas, none could even start to compare to my last. Many winters have long passed since the snowy woods made my flesh yearn for snow angels. I hadn't felt much like an angel worthy creature the last years, much less a happy one. My focus had shifted to the addicting quiet of the white, drowning all the sounds of whispered sorrows and heartfelt cries. I myself had found comfort in the eternal fields of frozen earth, embedded plants sleeping their pain away. If one ran across them with more intention of running than care for the order of ones feet, the stones spiking out of the ground could easily cause one to trip. Some nights, well afternoons that certainly felt like nights in the midst of December, I tried running into the horizon. The snow glistened so beautifully sharp as if ready to cut and make me feel alive again.

Numbness was the only thing I felt staring into the whiteness. Trying to make out the shapes of single snowflakes I caught some that were flying around my head. What started as an innocent childrens game suddenly became a projection of my rage. How could there be creatures so beautiful and thin with ballet like dances filled up with grace. Their sheer existence made me question my own. Noone but the stars in the nightsky would know how often I wished to become one of them, a snowflake ballerina.

So for the lack of better words I was hopeless. These past years christmas time had become one of the many reminders I couldn't be what I wanted. To be free like an angel, graceful as a snowflake or simply full of love.

Everyone always seemed to radiate the love of a hundred cupids during this time of the year. Not to say I didn't like it, I needed it. I craved it. From the people that never showed me the love I so desperately tried to catch a glimpse of, but most of all from myself.

I wanted to find beauty in the green of the tree, magic in its silver ornaments and warmth in my mothers hugs.

So try to understand my surprise when out of the blue sky I looked upon there was a feeling of wholesomeness. I might call it home, if I knew it better- but I don't. The only thing I do know, is that inbetween the laughs of two people totally foreign to each other, and maybe themselves, something sparked. And suddenly, right in that moment, there were christmas lights everywhere. The streets lit up in beautiful gold, and anywhere one looked glitter was spread over the pavement, googly lovers eyes seemed to have possesed every single person roaming the sidewalk. It was a delight to bear witness to the spectacle, had it come so fast and taken a spot in everyones heart so self-righteous one wouldn't dare to contradict.

Father Frost froze us in time, to never let this something die. That something that is my very first christmas. So I want to thank you, my ghost of christmas past, present and hopefully future. With you I am undoubtedly the most graceful ballerina dancing like a snowflake, a powerful angel to fulfill miracles and most of all myself.

In loving gratefulness, E